Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I love having hate sex.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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