can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
