I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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