i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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