If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
