Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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