In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
