Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
