he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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