I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
