dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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