There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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