I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
