If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
