the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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