Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
