Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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