Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
