i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
