When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
