the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
