Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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