Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You are a genius and a whore.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
