In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
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Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I will be naked everywhere
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.