She is in my trunk
Don't make out with my wife yet
I wish you could order shots online.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Randomize
