I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
