I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
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