Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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