Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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