I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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