So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
