Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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