Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
