I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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