Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
