I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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