I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
high people should be assigned attendants
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
