69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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