The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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