Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
