Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
People in love make me want to vomit
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
