His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
