I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
