nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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