I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
