Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Can you bring me the toilet please
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
