Umm I'm too high to move.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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