I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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