in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
