i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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