You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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