Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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