the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
