Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
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